ALWAYS TRUST THE INTUITION

So I was wrong. The school called me today and wanted to figure out how the sleeping arrangements were going to work when Susan got here. It seems that they're going to buy a cot to keep in my flat. Other good news - I'm getting paid. They took out money for my VISA and document costs but I'll be getting the remainder. My guy that gives me problems also said he won't be able to make Friday's lesson so today was my last time with him. That was kinda weird as I wasn't prepared to tell any students about my leaving yet; I figured it didn't start until tomorrow since my Monday classes repeat on Friday. It was weird and I was oddly shaking after I did it. Not sure what that means... I also had my two guys for tomorrow morning cancel which means that I'll be able to have Susan join me for their lesson on Thursday morning and that means less work for me. Susan is really good at just keeping conversation going and those guys love to talk. So that should be good. So, when I had a good feeling about this school, I should've believed that it would last till the end.

GETTING READY

A few days ago, I received an email from Susan, a former teacher from ILS that is going to be replacing me at Brytania. She told me that she thought the school had told me that she would be arriving to Debica on Tuesday and that she will be staying with me.

What?!

I live in a studio flat, that I might add, the school apologized to me for being so small (and that was when it was just me). Now they are going to add Susan to the small room and I'm interested in seeing where they think we'll sleep. I have a fold-out couch for a bed, which would be pusing it even if it were a close friend but this is a colleague I've known for a total of 6 months! I mean, she's a great girl and all but this is gonna be tight. And because it's a couch-turned-bed, there is a line in the middle that the rest of the mattress leans into and that only means that I'm going to be rolling into Susan for the next four nights.

So, since she told me, I tried to tidy up a bit and move some of my things to one area of the living room cabinets. I would pack some stuff but I still have a week and my suitcase will take up half the flat. I was really dreading simple things like going through paperwork that I need to keep and gathering my "US" stuff (money, license, passport, planner) that I didn't plan on looking at again for at least a few months. It's just weird stuff that you have to figure out where it's gonna go in the scheme of things, as far as in my carry-on, checked, my purse... But, I finally went through it all and tried to consolidate what I could (medicines, pictures), bring all my stuff that's almost gone and put it out so I can use those supplies before Friday (deodorant, face wash), and try and think about what I'm gonna wear/wash for the rest of the week as it takes a good two days for my clothes to dry on the line. It's funny what things can be annoying when you're looking to pack up. But I must say that for the most part, now I just need to find a place in my suitcase for it all on Friday night. But despite the adding of another body in my flat, and the dreading of teaching, and knowing that Friday night is going to be a feat in itself (going to Rzeszow that night but leaving for the airport at 5am from Debica) - it's every bit worth it when I think about the fact that I'll be home in less than a week.

DOM

After spending so much time here, and dreaming of this since I was little, today finally came - today I saw the place my mother called home in Poland.

We spent the morning cooking and eating and at about 1:00, my great aunt Leska told me we were leaving to see my grandfather's old house. I grabbed all my cameras (yes, I brought two) and hopped in the van. We drove about 5 minutes and ended up down what I imagine used to be a dirt road (it's been paved since but is still only big enough for one car - the other has to wait for the one to go by) and Leska told me we were driving down the road my family used to walk to school on. I was enthralled. I wanted to get out and take pictures right there but I figured we were almost to the house.

It was quite a ways down but we finally reached it - a perfectly cozy-looking house at the end of the road, on the top of a hill my mother has often spoke of. I first stepped out of the van and looked at the vast field that used to be my grandfather's farm. Everyone was behind me and oblivious to the magnitude of the moment for me so, not wanting to totally embarrass myself, I quickly choked back the surfacing tears and rejoined my family. I couldn't believe I was there. The stories my mother has told me all have a place in my mind now. I looked at the fence she said she used to walk along, wondering if it was the same one. I saw my grandfather tending the farm. It was amazing. I wish I could've sat there for hours but it was cold and the others were waiting for me. They said I could take as long as I wanted but I felt a bit self-conscious being the sentimental sap that I am.

After almost an entire roll of film and digital pictures for the blog, we hopped in the van and headed to the cemetery. I visited my great grandmother's grave again (we went yesterday for All Saint's Day) and this time, Leska pointed out my great grandfather's grave. I was able to get some pictures for everyone back home, and say a few more prayers to those passed.

All in all, I had an amazing time with my family these past two days- both spending time with those that are here, remembering those that are no longer, and thanking God for the ones I will be returning to in a week.

WACKY WEDNESDAY

Today was (surprisingly) fairly productive. I went to my morning one on one class and we spent the hour and a half talking about family and showing pictures to one another. That was nice. I was beat from staying up late so when Christine called me to say she had a migraine and couldn't meet me to go to Raj (the shopping center we have yet to go to), I was somewhat relieved. Being sick has really done a number on me too. So, I took the opportunity to take a 4 hour nap. I woke up and had the rest of my homemade chicken soup and caught up on emails. I called the temp agency back home. Ironically, the only thing they have at the moment is in Risk Management (my old department) at Paychex. Of course. Well, they said they'll keep their eye out and I'll just have to stalk them for something when I get home. I have been writing a lot lately and am thinking that I might want to start working on something that might actually have the possibility of getting published in the future. I'm not sure if I could do an actual novel, as I'd like to, but maybe a short essay or short story for a literary magazine. I'd be super psyched to be published anywhere right about now.

So, after relaxing and fiddling on the computer, I decided to force myself out into the world of Polish speakers and go shopping for pants at Carrefour Galleria (near my house). But when I finally ventured outside, the cold air hit me and I felt a much-needed surge of energy. So, I decided I was going to try and take the bus to Raj on my own. I bought a ticket and somehow, I made it there fairly easy.

I shopped like a mad woman. I wanted to buy a nice tie for Jon but realized quickly that I have NO idea what a good tie looks like. I wanted to find something different but was afraid I might accidentally buy something clown-like and he's got such a good heart, I know he'd still wear it. I couldn't do that to him. So I bought something else instead but know he'll like it. I also got a little something for his niece and nephew for Christmas. Then, it was all me. (My family got stuff last year.) I bought a pair of (totally unnecessary) biker chick boots like my friend Viv was sportin' last year. I love them. And I bought the pair of dress pants I wanted to get for tomorrow. Well, now that I put it down in writing, I guess that's not too much but for some reason, I felt like I couldn't stop spending money. (Probably because I stopped at the Zakopane kiosk three times before I actually got the gifts I was thinking about. That poor girl was having to get up every time I came around looking.) Oh! And so odd. I used my credit card to buy the dress pants and when I showed it to the girl (she knew from before that I didn't speak Polish), she smiled and was trying to tell me that I had to go down to some other store to use it. Weird...I had to take a little piece of paper with the name of the store and the amount and bring it down to some children's clothing store a few doors down, take the receipt and then return to the original store to claim my pants. That was definitely something new to me.

On my way "home", I decided to boycott the bus and walk. It was only twenty minutes or so but it felt great. I haven't had a good long walk by myself in a while and I think I sorta missed it. I stopped in a church on the way back but it was too busy and I felt weird with all my shopping bags. I figured I went to Mass on Sunday and will go again tomorrow; I can wait. (I don't know what is with my recent obsession with attending church...)

As it stands for this weekend, I'm off to Rzeszow tomorrow to celebrate All Saint's Day with my family. I bought candles for my great grandmother's grave and another for my great aunt's husband's. On Friday, the plan is that Christine is going to meet me in Rzeszow and we're going to head off to the Ukraine to meet up with one of the participants of the summer program last July. She's a sweetheart and I'm very excited to have her show me her country. I do hope that works out.

So above is a picture of my candle purchases. The two on the left are for my great grandmother and the one on the right is for my great uncle.

AN IMPENDING HOLIDAY

I know it's been quite some time since I last wrote but I hope you can all understand that once I decided to come home, writing in this blog felt kinda weird.

I bought my ticket and it's set - I'll be home November 10th. I'm leaving the school a week earlier than I had wanted to but figure that three weeks is a long time for someone who isn't happy. They'll be okay.

Tomorrow I have to shop for some nice pants or a skirt for All Saint's Day. I'm to head over to Leska's for church and dinner and then at some point, we're going to visit all the important places in my mom's childhood. I am SO very excited for that. I have both my digital and regular camera and hope to get a ton of beautiful pictures, especially of the lit cemetery on Thursday night. It's sad we don't have anything like that in the states.

So luckily, I have no classes on Thursday or Friday, which is great because I teach 6 hours (straight) on Thursday and 8 hours on Friday. After this holiday, I only have one more week.

HOMEWARD BOUND

I am coming home.

For two long weeks, I have tried to find the best in being here. I have been as optimistic as one could be and have struggled to find the reason that I am here. After two weeks, I realize there is none. On the way to class this morning, I decided I was done. I didn't talk about it with anybody - not Jon, not Christine, not my parents or even my girlfriends - nobody. I needed to know that this was completely my choice and that it was what was in my heart.

Telling the school was bad - as I knew it would be. I marched right over there from my business class and asked to speak with my director of studies. I told her I had to return to the states and that I couldn't adequately express how sorry I was for this news. Her mouth stayed open for a good 15 seconds and she didn't say a word. Then, she took me down to the director's office.

There, they pressed me for information leading to my decision. Why wasn't I happy now? What changed? Why such a quick decision? Was there anything that might change my mind? I told them that it had nothing to do with Poland and everything to do with home. I don't enjoy teaching and feel that my students aren't getting the kind of teacher that they deserve. I tried to venture out and find fun things to distract myself but decided that there was no reason that I needed to stay here, other than for the school - but I can't do something for someone else at the expense of my happiness.

So, it will probably be a month or so before I'm actually home but at least now they are aware that the teacher they have in those classes is not the one they should have. I'm sending out some emails to colleagues in hopes that someone may want to take my position here within a few weeks. Keep your fingers crossed that someone is wanting something in the next few weeks and I can be on the plane sooner rather than later.

FAMILY, BEETS, AND KARAOKE

Whew! I apologize for not writing but Jon and I have been taking advantage of free conversations on Skype. I am so glad he's finally back from Maui and we can talk at somewhat more convenient times.

So, as you already know, I went to Rzeszow this past week and finally met my Aunt Leska. It was awesome. She greeted me with a hug and a kiss and I immediately felt that she was family. When we got to her house, she made me a big bowl of borscht and then about 12 pierogies. Not wanting to be rude, I somehow finished it all.

We then headed upstairs where she showed me the room that Jon and I could stay in when he visits (one of the first questions I was asked was, "Masc chopa?" which means, "Do you have a boyfriend?") and then we sat down for cakes and pictures. We had a great time attempting to communicate and I was pleasantly surprised at my ability to understand and speak with her (as limited as it was). She showed me a million pictures of her immediate family and their children, and even some of mine that my grandfather must have sent her.

After that, my (fourth?) cousin came over and we hung out and watched TV for a while. She would try to explain what was going on and I would try and understand. I then remembered my camera and had David (my cousin) take a picture of her and I. She got so excited as we pushed in for the picture that she grabbed my cheek and said to me, "Oh, moja Ilonka!" ("my Ilona!")

She told me that I could come over whenever I wanted and that all I had to do was call her and then take a taxi or the bus. I told her that I would definitely be back for All Saint's Day but that I might come earlier with a friend to go shopping and that if that was the case, I would call her and let her know. She smiled big and asked me if it would be with "twoj chopa" (your boyfriend) as it seems she's very excited to meet him. I told her again, that he wouldn't be coming until February but that we would definitely see her. I can't wait.

So yesterday, instead of hiking (it snowed here!), Christine (my friend from school that I am SO lucky to have met) and I headed to Rzeszow. We were both greeted with hugs and kisses from Leska (I even got another later with an exclaimed, "Oh Ilonka - Kocham cie!" - "Oh, Ilona, I love you!") and a bowl of homemade chicken soup (and when I say homemade, I mean she killed one of her chickens and made this soup). Then she stuffed us with chicken cutlets, potatoes and beets and continually yelled at Christine to eat. It was great. We spent a lot of time with my (frightened by the strange speaking people) 3 year old cousin, Adrian, who was fascinated by Leska's cat. It took him a while but he finally warmed up to us and by the end of the visit, was able to (after being coaxed to do it) give me and Christine a kiss on the cheek (although it was followed by him quickly wiping his mouth off).

At around 2:30, we headed out with David to do some shopping at the local shopping center. He patiently waited as Christine and I spent some money and by 5:00, we were done. We headed to a fabulous local pub and decided to get some drinks. We had beers, talked and then around 9:00, headed to the karoake bar down the street.

A glass of wine and a few beers later, I was somehow coerced by Christine into singing my first karoake song ever - Bon Jovi's "Shot Through the Heart." At first, I think I may have been into it but by the time the part where he just repeats, "a bad name" about 5 million times, I had time to realize what I was doing and I wanted out. I begged Christine, not caring that I was talking into a microphone, to let me sit back down and just watch. She refused. We struggled through the later-agreed-upon horrible karaoke song choice and were finally able to relieve everyone by returning to our seats.

But I'm glad she made me do it.

So now, Christine is on her way over to join me in nursing a barely-there hangover with Leska's homemade golambki, a big container of ice cream and Grey's Anatomy.

CZESTKO I KWIATY

Heading out in a few minutes to buy a cake and flowers for my great aunt. I'm so excited to meet her - I tell everyone about it, as though they care.

My back has been killing me for the past few days. For a few nights in there, I couldn't even sleep. I went to the apteka and got myself a ben-gay type cream and some aspirin with codeine (yep, over the counter). It helped a bit but not enough. I talked to my one on one student today and he suggested going to a masseuse - says he has a colleague that has a spa and I can go for 30 zl an hour (ummmmm....with the conversion, that's about $10 an hour - fabulous). I'm hoping to get in on Monday afternoon. I've never actually had a massage before; I just hope it helps. (Well, the least it'll do is relieve some stress.)

I'm also going hiking this weekend with my new "native speaking" friend from school (another teacher). We're hoping to just truck around the outskirts of town and maybe find this spot where you can see all of Debica (I'm thinking that it might be a bench in the city center - this town's fairly small). Anyhow, we've made a bunch of plans for the weekends to help keep us busy. I'm most looking forward to shopping trips so I can buy fun stuff for people back home. I know, so touristy.

MY CRIB

Finally - Internet! How good it feels to be connected to the outside world again. Less than 3 hours of access and I've successfully hooked up my Skype again, sent out a few emails that I've been meaning to send out, updated my blog, and just read English like it was my job (well, I guess it sorta is).

Here are some promised pics.

WELL, I’M FINALLY “POLISH” AGAIN

Well, it happened today…and I’m still accepting it. Yes, today I bought my winter boots and yes, they’ve got a hint of leopard print.

There, I said it.

But I’m figuring they’re fine because until it’s been a few months and I’ve completely lost touch with reality, they’ll be under my jeans (rather than in true Polish fashion – over the jeans or with a skirt). The thing is - I don’t have a full-length mirror so doing anything but the norm is really risky, especially with leopard print.

Other fun things from today

• shopping for special stuff for special people back home
• more groceries
• a surprise call from an exhausted but loving Janek
• pizza at the local joint (which wasn’t bad and even had a polite teenager who could understand enough English that I didn’t get ketchup on my pizza and was able to take “home” leftovers in a box).
• my very first broken English/broken Polish conversation with my great aunt Leska (whom until this morning I had never spoken with) resulting in an (I think) agreement that I would call Monday to tell her what time my train would be coming in to see her on Wednesday (can you believe I’m finally going to meet her??) And oddly enough, I had a dream last night about my grandmother (her sister) and took it as a good sign. I really hope I can visit there often.
• a definite date and time when I will finally get Internet in my flat (next Tuesday at 1:00pm, Polish time).
• found out that my friend in Opole is going to some kind of church pilgrimage thing on Sunday with her family and she’s invited me to join them. There’s an afternoon Mass and then they have traditional Polish pea soup. I’m in.

Oh yea, and I almost forgot about my classes. I was really nervous about my proficiency class last night but they turned out to be my best age group (16-18) for the most part so that’s good. I just hope we can trudge through the textbook and I can be “demanding enough” for them (it seems my school is known for being demanding…unlike me). The good thing is also that I’m starting to wonder if maybe high school teaching wouldn’t be a good fit for me. I’ve got a few more months to feel it out (Heather was right last year – the classes I loved in the beginning ended up being my worst by the end). My other class last night was five married women who seemed really eager to learn and were concentrating quite well on the textbook. Tomorrow I have three back-to-back night classes but I think two of them have the same textbook so I should only have to plan one lesson (let’s hope because it’s nearly 9:00 pm, I haven’t done anything yet, and I just remembered that I have two morning classes and two night classes on Friday).

So, this weekend seems to be as follows (if I don’t leave Friday night):

Saturday

9am-leave Debica (by train)
2pm-arrive in Opole (yea…kind of a long trip)
2-3pm-shop at the thrift shops in Opole as somehow, I brought NO clothes
3pm-meet Dorota for a late lunch
5pm-ish-meet Elwira, Sylwia, Marta and probably Gosia and Jerry for drinks
late night-crash at my girl Marta’s place and talk girl talk

Sunday

8:30am-leave with Roma and her family for High Mass
2pm-ish-leave for Debica

Oh, and another bonus – so far all my students from last year have passed their exams!

DON'T EAT THE RED KIND

I thought that kapusta meant sauerkraut but I think it means cabbage. I bought the red kind, thinking it was just the color, until I smelled it. Turns out it's pickled cabbage vs. soured. Gross.

DEBICA = KLUCZBORK (I THINK)

I am so freaking happy right now that I want to scream (in fact, I think I did a little). I don’t want to speak too soon (even though I am) but I think that Debica is Kluczbork!

Okay, explanation:

Before I left home, I was telling Jon about how Debica could go one of two ways; one, it could be a small town where everyone is poor and so those that can afford to take classes are extremely demanding (as they should be but that’s still intimidating) or (and this is how I’m beginning to think it is) the town is small (like Kluczbork was last year) and is just brimming with people that are so happy and grateful for a native speaking English teacher that they’re eager to talk and not so difficult to deal with.

Okay, more of an explanation as to why I’m beginning to think this:

It’s 8:00 on a Sunday night. I’ve been here for two days now and my director of studies just called my cell phone to see how I’m doing. She asked if I got a chance to see the town and if I was ready to begin tomorrow. I’m in shock. I am honestly so happy to be lucky enough to work for a school that cares (or at least seems to care) so much about its teachers. This is like night and day with ILS. At this rate, I’m hoping I can maybe get one of my colleagues to come teach the spring semester here so I can head out early in mid-February.

SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE

So it took me a while but I finally got myself out of the flat, which did me a world of good. I went to the nearby galleria and bought myself some much needed supplies to tackle the next 6 months. This included a headset and webcam (creepy but it was actually cheaper to buy the combined set than the headset alone), a new hairdryer, a very chic winter coat, kapusta (why can’t I find the green kind??), a can of beer (yes, they sell it by the can), pierogies, a frying pan flipper, bath stuff, hangers, more food, and plastic wire so I can hang my clothes outside. I got home, tied on a bandanna, unpacked all my new supplies, and then attempted to tie up the line for my clothesline, nearly falling out my kitchen window and killing myself. I didn’t realize that the little window on the side opened as well and made it much easier to tie up the other side’s line. Decided I was over that before finishing it (I hadn’t really eaten yet today) and took a break for lunch. Tried some new stuff that the school had bought for me (a yogurt spread – just think dip without the flavoring) which actually wasn’t half bad. Gonna read a bit, maybe plan a lesson or two for Monday and then take a nap. I’m supposed to hear from my friend Marta about heading to Opole this weekend. I really need to see some familiar faces and I think going to my old town will do a lot of good as well. I’m also looking to move my Wednesday class to Tuesday and having that day free to do whatever I want; which should work out well. Last year, when I had a free morning, it was nice to be able to stay up late the night before and talk to people that I couldn’t normally talk to because of the time difference. And with Rzeszow only about 45 minutes away by train, I’m thinking it will be good to visit my great aunt for dinner once in a while, or head to the mountains for a hike (if it’s not absolutely freezing).

Oh, and I just realized I don’t have a stove.

AVOIDING AMBER

Warning (to those who love me): The following entry is a bit depressing. If you think this will change how you perceive me, and you’re not really down with that, don’t bother reading any further.

Warning (to those about to read this who don’t really know me): I am extremely grateful for the opportunities that I have been given; I recognize that living and teaching abroad are great things that not everyone is able to take advantage of. I realize that I am blessed to be doing these things but chose to write this blog as a way for people to read all that goes into living and teaching abroad, not just the “ fun, cultural stuff”. So, with that, please read the following entry with some empathy and understanding.

It seems I can’t really do anything right now. It’s about 8:30 am and I have successfully slept for nearly 12 hours; something I definitely needed but feel I did a bit more of because I didn’t want to face anything when I woke up. I can go shopping today, unpack my clothes, and prepare for my lessons – all valid things but all things that make me feel that staying here is that much more final. I’m finding my decision to come here more and more stupid as the hours go on and need to find some kind of outlet before I hop the next train to Krakow and find my way to Balice airport. (Of course I would have to wait until I had Internet access to find a flight home and that won’t be until the first day of class is over…so I guess the school was pretty smart with that one.) My television has about 5 channels, which is fine as I can sometimes get pretty sick of Polish - watching it becomes work with me trying to understand what the heck they’re talking about. At least there’s a cartoon on now. Without Internet, I can’t watch anything from home. I have some cds but listening to music depresses me more sometimes. The frustrating thing is that I’m strong, I know I’m strong, and I can do this again but I’m just terrified that I’m going to be miserable the whole time and screw something amazing up at home to boot. And on top of it, everyone at home is all for me going back; nobody believes it’s necessary for me to stay here (which sometimes makes me that much more determined, but not so much this time). I know in my heart that if I decided to come home I don’t think anyone, whose opinion that I care about, would object or judge me. It’s not the emotional stress and overtiredness of yesterday; I’m beginning to feel like I’m that girl from Big Brother who couldn’t stop crying the entire season.

Things I have to do soon to avoid being Amber:

- visit friends from Opole; that will make me feel ten times better. If I can make it out to see them, I will remember what my students were like last year when I gave them a chance to open up on a social level and I’ll be more apt to do that in Debica, thus hopefully making my life a little more bearable for the few months I’m here.

- visit my great aunt Leska; seeing her will remind me that I’m here to learn more about my family, my grandmother, my background, my mother’s upbringing and hopefully, more Polish. I took this job in this town so that I could be closer to her and now, I have to remember to take full advantage of that.

- visit friends that I met over the summer at Nazareth; if I can venture outside of Poland, I might do a little better. Of course, I don’t really have the funds right now but my sanity is worth more at this point

- shop; I know it sounds ridiculous but sometimes shopping for myself, or family and friends, makes me remember that I’m going home and I’m not here forever. I love Poland and its backwards ways can sometimes have an effect on me that feels like home (my kitchen sink is just like my dziadziu’s) but right now, it feels like the farthest place from it. Home is where Jon and my family are and that’s a million miles from here.

The cartoon has turned out to be a Jesus cartoon, of course, and he’s busy healing lepers and speaking Polish. Love it. (It actually reminded me to check church times for tomorrow morning – at least I know one person in this town.) But I think it’s about time for me to force myself to shower and spend some money in hopes of changing my attitude.

Isn’t that called an addiction?

ME + DEBICA = EH, WE’LL SEE…

Well, I’m back – back in Poland that is. Debica isn’t much like Opole. Opole was a big(ger) city with a definite city center. Debica’s city center would be hard to spot if it wasn’t pointed out to you but nonetheless, I think this quaint little town is gonna grow on me. It’s small but it’s cute. There are tons of flowers, even at this point in the year, and a lot of colorful little shops (my favorite, even if they don’t have anything in them that I would ever want).

I have moved everything in but my clothes (why is that always the last thing I do??) and feel pretty good about the flat. It’s a fairly decent sized living area which I’ve managed to manipulate into a sorta-kinda bedroom with a little living chair facing the TV – ya know, to really separate the two quarters. The shower is tiny but nothing I haven’t faced before (although never for more than two weeks). I just washed my dishes and found that I don’t actually have a counter (the mini-fridge top was cleverly disguised as one by the food that was on it when I came in). And although I don’t have a counter, and I have to bend at the knees to pick up the soap in the shower (it’s the size of a phone booth – which I might add, still exists in Debica), I feel okay. Like I said, there was food on the fridge (and in it!) when I got here – it really seems that the school wants me to feel comfortable, which is great. The secretary even asked if I needed money to buy some things at the store. What a change from last year.

On a more personal note, something I’m not usually so willing to share on this site, Janek just called. I don’t know how but somehow I was able to not cry when I first heard him. I’m never this emotional. I had to hold back when I first met my new director of studies too; just the sheer emotional stress of the day and just, well, everything, is making me into a blubbering (albeit I’m trying to hold it in) idiot. So now, I’m doing everything I can to avoid going to bed as I know I’m going to just stare at the wall and wonder why the hell I left. I’m a strong woman, yes, but I just hope I don’t end up being a stupid one.

LEAVING ON A JET PLANE...AGAIN

Well, it’s official – I’m leaving. The Jet Blue flight didn’t seem as final as this one to Dublin will be. I’m sitting in the airport, pursing my lips and clenching my teeth so I don’t cry (even though I know how good it would feel). I think I might have to make my way into a stall now that I don’t have as many bags.) I hope I’m not crazy (bad crazy) for doing this. I forgot how impolite Polish people are sometimes but remembered it when I was sitting here in the airport, having New Yorkers do rude stuff without even realizing it. Guess it reminded me.

So here I am, typing on my computer (I forgot my journal at home) to avoid the thoughts in my head. It’s gonna be really difficult at first but I’m hoping that my quest for gifts for loved ones (and myself) will help pass the time when I’m not freaking out about teaching again.

JUST THE FACTS, MA'AM

Fact - I have not yet received my Visa and my flight is scheduled for this Thursday morning.
Feeling - I am slightly panicked about this.

Fact - I may choose not to go to Poland this fall if I don't receive my Visa in time.
Feeling - I think my karma will rot if I don't show up in Debica in the next few weeks.

Fact - I just received an email from a colleague who is not technically a native English speaker but is looking for a job in Polska.
Feeling - I am wondering if aforementioned karma could be slightly more positive if I refered my friend to my job, if I don't go.

Fact - I am afraid that if I don't go, I will regret it.
Feeling - I am afraid that if I do go, I will regret it.

Fact - I am an extremely lucky girl for a lot of different reasons.
Feeling - I am afraid I might be pushing my luck.

TIME AFTER TIME

I'll be fine once I get there but I think it's the initial first class that's giving me the freak-out right now. I got my schedule and read through it-it looks fine besides all those classes I have to teach. Ah well, I guess I have to do something while I'm over there. I'm going to try and dig up some teaching books and see if I can't brush up on my grammar. Thing is, I told them that I prefer adults and higher level classes and so that's all I pretty much got. Which is fine, aside from the proficiency class. The proficiency class at ILS scared the hell out of me. Nobody wanted to have it. Annwen had it for a while (and she's amazing) and they ate her alive. She hated it. Seems all the proficiency people in that class thought they already knew English and that there was nothing you could teach them. Well, my vocabulary is satisfactory but it's not at a proficiency level by any means - so you'll be able to smell my fear when you walk in that room. Well, best thing I can do is just give it my best shot and let my personality take hold; that's the only reason I made it through last year.

LIFE GOES ON IN DIFFERENT TIME ZONES

I am entirely bored at work right now and decided to see if I couldn't find a website for my old school in Kluczbork. Now, I LOVE Kluczbork and the people it inhabits (seriously, they're just friendlier) but on my looking for pictures of Kluczbork, I couldn't help but look up Opole (really I was just having fun attempting to read things in Polish again). So I stumbled on the Opole webcam that felt just weird, but fun, to watch.

First of all, it's totally dark there - which I recognize that there's a time difference but just forgot until I saw it.

Then, I see some guy rifling through something (a garbage can?) and just sat, staring at him - trying to remember what it is that is in that little pocket of the sidewalk and feeling so (weird? awesome?) that I have the ability to try and figure out something that's going on halfway around the world. Then I just sat there and looked at the lights (are they new?), remembered how many times I walked through that area (either past Volcano pizza where I shared pies and beers with friends, the cinema where I reveled in being able to understand what was on the screen, or the gallery where a co-worker had her big opening), thought about the shops there (and the speed I would be in and out of them for fear that someone might ask me a question I couldn't understand), and how above all, my life was still somehow oddly normal in that city.

FRIENDS IN LOW (AND EAST, AND WEST) PLACES

Dublin (which is my first choice - I think I'll want the break from speaking "proper" English), Budapest, Istanbul, Madrid...ahhh, the choices. With extremely welcoming (albeit new) friends living all over, it's fairly easy to pick and choose.

So even though this is going to be a little different trip from last time, I'm hoping that the one compensation I'll get is being able to travel more than I did last year. I'm a bit more of a veteran to the teaching gig (not too much though) and hope that I'll really get the salary that I was told I would be receiving. With both those factors, I'm hoping that I can get out of Debica during the holidays. I'll be wanting to spend the Christmas season with my great aunt but have checked out flights to Dublin for New Year's. For a mere 416 zl ($153), I can head out and visit my (according to facebook - so far non-visited) girl Nika. She absolutely loves it out there and I'm thinking I could deal with ringing in the new year there. Other than that, I'm itching to get to Istanbul and see the place. I had such an awesome time with all the students from Turkey that were in the international program here this summer that I can't imagine possibly having a bad time there. And there's a ton of people I could visit there.

Of course, if I don't get my work certificate in the mail soon, I'm not going anywhere.

REAL JOB YET? I THINK NOT.

Not even three months since my last entry. A lot can happen in not even three months. I came home, worked a great job, hung out with family and friends, thought that I wanted to stay home, thought that I wanted to go back, interviewed for a job in the states, interviewed for a job in Polska, and then ultimately put my mom in a bad mood this morning when I told her I bought my ticket last night and that it's final - I'm going back. (She wants me to get a real job, in Rochester.) I'm not as excited as I was before (is it possible that 7 months could feel longer than the 9 months I was there last time?) but know (kinda) that (I think) this is what I (think I) need to do.

So this is a picture I found on google of Debica, the new Polish residency I will inhabit for the next 7 months, beginning on September 26 (I fly out the 25th). I am accepting prayers for my sanity. It's going to be interesting but luckily, the director at this joint sounds much more sane than my last and I'll be an hour train ride from a great aunt that I'm very excited to meet. I have a lot to do before I leave (I forgot how much there is to get in order before you leave your life for nearly a year) - I'm hoping my family comes around in the next three weeks or this trip might end up feeling even longer than I was anticipating.


commons.wikimedia.org

WHEN THE LIGHTS, GO DOWN, IN THE CITY

Had a wonderful weekend. After the presentation, I went out with most everyone from the program. It was a good time and I didn't stay out later than I should (as I usually do). Although I had a nice hangover the next morning, I still went to the lake as planned. It was so worth it. There was a beautiful view and friends just relaxing and passing around a guitar. Very mellow and very needed.

Getting ready to head back home. I was sure that someone would be heading to Warsaw Friday night and I wouldn't have to go it alone but it's looking like that's not the case. Luckily I met a new friend before leaving Opole and he can hopefully meet me in Warsaw as that's where he lives. Even though I'm excited to see my family, I will be sad to leave Poland and my first experience of living abroad behind.

EEEEEE!

It's finally done - the dreaded presentation that prevented me from eating lunch today and caused me to feel that I should wake up and run this morning. It's done! And I feel so excellent because of it - for a number of reasons. First - I HATE presentations. For some reason, I have been conditioned to all the horrible things that can happen to one during a presentation. Because of this, I actually prayed to God that I wouldn't have it happen too bad. Now, as you all know, I LOVE thunderstorms and one of the things I had prayed for, was rain. (It makes me calmer, what can I say?) Well, the night before my presentation, the skies cracked open with an unbelievable downpour, fierce lightning and some distant thunder rolls. It was awesome. And it made me smile so huge because someone up there, was actually listening to me. It was phenomenal. Second reason is that it didn't go so bad - and I actually shared something extremely personal with my entire class: the death threat I received in high school. While I wasn't comfortable saying it was mine when I read it in the beginning, I shared at the very end that this was part of what skewed my ideas about co-educational environments. It felt really good. Oh! And on another note, the teacher mentioned the one really good paper idea that he liked (and he's a difficult man) and it was mine! I was so excited. It feels good to feel that your professors believe that what you are saying is intelligent.

So tonight, it's off for a few beers and then tomorrow, shopping for teacher presents with a friend, joining up with other friends later to go to the lake, and then finishing off the day cooking kielbasas in the park. I can't wait.

PILL POP?

Luckily, I have memorized what buttons need to be pressed in order to publish my blog but unfortunately, I think I may have just deleted a comment. (Sorry Kimberly!) I'm currently on a different hard drive than I've been on all year and it seems that I don't know how to switch it into English. To answer the comment though, I am not back in Rochester (yet!) - still in Poland (till next Friday) but just finishing up a semester of school...and it's dreadful. I have an hour presentation to do with another colleague and I'm dreading it, and I'm so pissed about it! I am SO confident in women's issues and women's ideas and I'm doing my presentation (and a class reading) on single-sexed classrooms. But for some reason, I still can't help fully freaking out before I have to go up there. I'm totally not nervous - in fact, I'm almost kinda excited - but I still can't help the physical reaction my body goes through. It's like I'm conditioned to that reaction and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Maybe it's because before I didn't really care about the material and now I do (and everyone else knows I do) and so I feel compelled to be interesting and introspective and all that. I don't know. All I know is that I want so BAD to be a good speaker but no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to master that damn skill! Isn't there a pill I can pop?

LAST MORNIN' IN OPOLE

I should be (that should be my new catch phrase) packing the rest of my stuff seeing as I'm leaving Opole in less than two hours but I'm frustrated at the fact that I don't think I'll be able to fit it all and I don't know what to do. I think it means that I'm going to have to open up the "no-open" suitcase that I packed last night (souvenirs and winter stuff) and pull out a jogging suit or sneakers and part with them. That sucks so bad. But I have nice clothes that need to go back more than a jogging suit so I just have to deal. I would send it back home but 1. it's Sunday and I hightly doubt the post office is open and 2. I have barely any money since the director at my (former!) school is a cheat and scammed us out of 451 zloty for "overlimit water usage." It's such a crock. I had it out with her really bad and told her she could either give me my money or I was going on the Internet to post how ridiculous her school is and for all TEFL teachers not to work there. She kept babbling (after saying she would do the same to me) and indirectly chose the latter. So, once I'm settled in and have a minute, I'm going to write a nice, long warning to all my fellow teachers about what an unsupportive school ILS is. It's sad that this is what I leave with - this horrible taste in my mouth from that woman but the good news, it was temporarily forgotten thanks to a great night out with friends and students on Friday.

ERRR...KIDS?

Had my interview in Krakow yesterday and it didn't go as well as I'd hoped. First of all, she made me really nervous saying that she's not sure how good a fit the school is because most of the classes are kids. Well, she's right with that. And the money doesn't seem as good as I had thought - what with me paying 1000 zl a month for a flat (ridiculous as I could probably get one in Krakow for the same amount), 200 or so for my own health insurance, having to pay for my own training if I want it, and no free Polish classes. It's sounding a little less appealing than I had previously thought. So, I'm currently on the hunt, once again, for something in Rzeszow. I looked a little online last night when I got back (until about 1 am) and then started again at 5 am this morning when I woke up. So far, I think I've found one position. The thing is, I could take this job and then just cross my fingers that 1. I like it or 2. I find something else when I get there but I feel bad having the school do all the work and paperwork (let alone pay for my visa) when I'm most likely gonna find something else when I get there. But my friend Peter (he's Polish) says that in Poland, with work, it's every man for himself. You can't think about the employer at all because the employer doesn't think about you. I hate bad karma though.

PROS

• they pay hourly (which can also be bad during holidays)
• only twenty hours a week
• it's near my family
• natives don't teach grammar
• I get my own copy of textbooks, teacher's books, tapes and workbooks

CONS

• they pay hourly
• it's kids
• surprise observations
• I'd have to pay for my own health insurance
• 1000 zl a month for the flat
• I'd have to pay for September's rent even though I wouldn't be there
• no Polish classes
• I'd have to pay for my own training if I wanted it

Back to the job hunt.

WORLD'S WORST (OR SHOULD I SAY, BEST?) PROCRASTINATOR

aliceneel.com

It is currently 10:12 am and I have successfully dodged working on my upcoming presentation for...about 2 hours now. I woke up so diligently at 6:30 am and did work for about an hour and a half but after needing to jump online for some additional research, I folded. I need to begin the PowerPoint design part but working on that is so final, thus the reason why I'm such a procrastinator when it comes to these things. I have been escaping the aforementioned work by:

1. reading (and forwarding the link to unsuspecting friends) a fabulous website I stumbled on when I was researching my topic of single-sexed schools.


2. daydreaming about my future home.


3. logging into facebook, adding quotes and reading notes.


4. cooking onions and eggs.


5. catching up on my correspondence.


6. being quiet so as to (hopefully) not wake up the roomies.


7. calling a taxi (successfully, might I add) for my one roommate to go to work. (How is she a waitress when she doesn't even speak the language??)


8. daydreaming about my future, again, but this time more generally.


9. downloading Alice Neel paintings to use as my new, inspiring desktop.


10. writing in my blog about how I am currently (and successfully, might I add) putting off my work.

RUMBLIN' MOVIE TIME

There's a rumble of thunder outside and the trees are waving poetically in the wind. You know what that means - time to blog. I love it!

Went shopping with Maja today and spent way too much money. But I like to think that it's probably the last time I'll go shopping before I go home. As of today, I have exactly 3 weeks till I saunter into Rochester International (c'mon, you can really call it that just because it goes to Canada?) and freak out at my family. (They're gonna be so embarrassed.)

Almost time to watch a movie as I just saw a bolt of lightening.

TREMENDOUSLY

Went to the gym this morning. The walk there was better than the walk back. I don't know why I was so exhausted and didn't want to do anything when I was there. I had to though; there was a surprise attack of beers in Kluczbork yesterday. And food with cream. When did this happen to me? Good thing I'm not too particular. Today we're hooking up pizza and summer drinks (thanks for the recipe in your blog, Kimberly!) with a friend.

Bought some new shoes, new glasses and found out I have two extra classes next week. That wasn't fun. Well, the extra classes part. Still haven't finished everything with my presentation but I have all weekend to finish it up. And the train ride to Krakow to perfect it. And as of tomorrow, I will be home in 3 weeks! I can't wait. I miss everyone tremendously (which means, enough to use the word "tremendously")!!!

SHE'S A MANIAC, MANIAC ON THE FLOOR

I am so freaking proud of myself. In my old age, I have decided to join a gym. (I'm starting to notice spider veins....ahhh!) Since I began, I've been going about 4 times a week. Moreover, I've been trying to up my time and all that, with each visit. When I walk out of there, it's like I'm that girl that used to be on the commercial, "like she just stepped out of a salon." Only I'm a sweaty, disgusting mess with a bandanna (nearly forbidden in Poland unless you're a man, an old woman, a baby, or gardening) and jogging pants. But it feels good. My legs are sore and I can barely walk to school some days, but I feel like a new woman. I have more energy and am usually (usually) in a better mood (okay, we'll say "more tolerable"). Unless you count the other night (Monday!) when the drunk teenagers were outside my window talking and being annoying. I pulled my passive aggressive card and opened the window while blaring the religious station on the radio. (It didn't work.) I would've called the cops but it's too difficult and they'd probably ignore a crazy foreigner complaining about something that's fairly normal in this neighborhood. (Did I tell you about the time I had to step over the hungover kid, passed out on the stairs, on the way to the dump at 10 am??! I had to stop and make sure he was breathing to be able to live with myself for leaving him there.)

Still dreading the presentation and that but still not doing anything about it aside from using it as an excuse to not leave my flat when I really just want to read.

Twenty-four days and counting. Next week is my interview in Krakow. Wish me luck - this job is exactly what I'm looking for (hourly pay so no more shenanigans...I hope).

PUPPET MASTER

Could not sleep last night. Beginning to wonder if the chamomile tea I have is actually caffeinated. Well, that and my increasing excitement to going home. I feel sorry for the person sitting next to me on the long flight home. Better for them if they don't speak English. Good news with the inability to sleep is that I got the beginning of my presentation mapped out and even got some free writing down. Of course, if anyone saw me I would have been thoroughly embarrassed: my skin between my fingers is so dry that I put steroid cream and socks on my hands. I was attempting to write with socks on my hands. Classic me.

The "boss" is still being ridiculous. I told her I wanted to just make sure we were on the same page for my pay this month and she answered, "I'm too busy for that." I think that means we're not on the same page.

GETTING DOWN TO THE WIRE

Woke up this morning to my favorite: the sound of rain crashing down on the pavement below. Well...that and drunk guys screaming at one another but eventually, my memory of this entire excursion will be selective so what's the harm in letting that start now. Sometimes, when I wake up on the weekend in my little bed and pull the covers off me, thinking about how I'll be going home in just a few weeks, I feel like I've been away at some camp and just counting the days. I'm not sure how I feel like that - I've never been to camp.

Been looking for something to read to my class for school at the end of the month. Our teacher has requested we read something to our classmates for 5 or 10 minutes. I found this fabulous website from Vancouver. It's a literary magazine written solely by submissions from women. That's definitely a new goal of mine - to get something published in there. Of course I have my novel goal but this would be equally rewarding. And the great thing is they list off all these other publications that the women have been showcased in and so now I not only have this magazine, but a listing of 15 or so others that I could subscribe or submit to. I was reading about one of the authors and they had written that she "lives by the sea with Edna the Cat", or something like that. At first it sounded terribly depressing but then, oddly enticing. What's become of me?!

So I'm trying to spend the weekend doing work for school but all I can do is freak out about this presentation and how I have no idea how to present it. Oh! I did take Friday night off and went fishing with my students. Fabulous. We went to this place where you fish yourself and then they cook it up for you. I had to eat it with the head and everything but somehow, I did it. I couldn't touch the thing though. Oh, and on the way there I saw a HUGE stork in her nest and yelled at my student/friend to pull over. Poor guy got so scared. I told him about how my aunt loves those birds and how I'd been wanting to get a picture for her. So I took a few snapshots. Wadja - if you're reading, these are for you. I'm thinking of you.

KIELBASA HEAVEN

Went to dinner with a friend.
We were eating outside.
There was an awning above.
Something hit the one above the table next to us
then hit the floor.
It was a raw sausage.

It's raining sausages in Poland,
literally.

ZAKOPANE MOUNTAIN WOMAN

Just call me "mountain woman!"

I finally saw Zakopane and although I didn't see as much of the mountains as I would have liked to, I still had an absolutely fabulous time. I went with a friend/student that is almost as lazy as me and we were able to sit, shop, watch people, drink, eat, sit and eat some more. It was great!

I haven't written in a while so even though this news of Zakopane is new, it isn't all. I went to Piastanalia (I'm pretty much positive that I spelled that wrong), the university "party" festival that lasts three days. There's concerts and drinking and eating. But mostly a lot of drinking. I went Wednesday night as my morning class cancelled and I didn't have to teach until Thursday at 3:30. I drank slightly too much Piast beer and was way hungover the next day. I went to class though (I'm a trooper when I'm the one to do the damage) and came home to plan my next lesson after scarfing down some pizza. Around 9:00pm, I felt extremely ill and had to go to bed. I was shaking and sooo cold. I had the heat cranked in my room, socks over the bottom of my pants, a t-shirt and long johns and I was still freezing. Finally got to sleep but was waking up in the middle of the night. When morning came, I showered, got clean pajamas on, and called in sick. By the afternoon, I had caught up on my sleep and was able to make it to Kluczbork. That night, after my students scared me into thinking I might possibly have sepsa (the fatal drinking virus in the surrounding towns), I was on a train to Zakopane.

SQUeeeeeZING IN ONE LAST TRIP

Heading to Zakopane this weekend and I'm very excited. A friend of mine and I will be hopping on the night train on Friday and spending the weekend (hopefully) with the "mountain people" drinking strong vodka and eating sausages. Yeah!!! I'm hoping to find some regional-specific vodka but am a little nervous as to how potent it can be. (Check out the link below.)

http://www.allheadlinenews.com/articles/7006764717

Also very excited about next year's prospects. I've decided that since I won't be able to see my great aunt this coming June (I would have to skip this semester of school), I'm coming back to Poland next year and moving (if I can find a job) to Rzeszow - the city she lives closest to. I don't go drinking, I don't even really go out exploring - living close to family is ideal for me. I only hope that she'll want to see me as often as I'd like to visit. Family is one of the main reasons I am here and I feel so lucky that I'll be so close to family when I return.

NERD ALERT

I am currently working on my presentation for school this June: half-hour on the topic of single-sexed schools, which I know nothing about. And without adequate access to online journals or books in English, I'm not that confident in the information I'm gathering.

I have found a website to help put together this fairly random presentation. I recognize that I make way too big a deal out of these things (the majority of my classmates will either be stoned, half-stoned, half-drunk, hungover, sleeping or thinking about their own presentations when I'm up there talking) but I can't help but obsess. If I don't, it will go even worse than planned. I guess I'm just one of those people that has to plan out the details no matter how unimportant the presentation task is.

So here's the odd part. Every time I'm getting ready to do a presentation, I can picture myself ("visualize", if I may) giving this totally awesome speech at some college or women's conference and I wonder how I'm able to imagine myself doing this if I can't even do a half-hour bogus presentation in front of my peers in a summer course. Maybe it's because the topic isn't of that much interest to them, or me for that matter. I chose single-sexed schools which, in an education class, was the closest I could get to going in the direction I'd like to go after I get this master's degree. (Scratch that. Sexual education would have been more interesting and more relevant to my future studies but this is TEFL - how can I really say that the topic of teaching sexual education relates to any of us in that room, at least at this point.)

So I'm heading to Zakopane next weekend and I'm hoping I can print out my information for the presentation so I can work on it during the night train ride. For some reason, working on school work during a ride somewhere always makes me feel intellectual. It's gonna feel SO good when I get to jump on that plane home after finishing all that work. Can you believe it will be only one more semester and I'll have a Master's degree in Education??!

HOLIDAY, CELEBRATE

Finally, more pictures!

Went on holiday this past week and had a fabulous time. Started out going to Gdansk on Monday morning. My train left at 6:30 and I made it to Gdansk around 3:30 that afternoon. I spent two days there (more or less) and left Wednesday morning to meet a friend in Warsaw. The trip was great; I spent most of my time leisurely, albeit coldly, walking the city and popping in to various shops and restaurants. Took myself to a nice dinner both Monday and Tuesday night, both including wine and a candle.

Spent another three or so days in Warsaw. I had heard a lot about how unattractive this city is and I must admit that aside from the old and new town centers, it really is a fairly accurate statement. There's a lot of graffiti and cold, gray buildings. But the restaurants are great and so was the company.

Finished off my vacation in Opole. Went with a friend to see Moszna Castle. It's currently used as a mental hospital/classical concert site and although the latter caused us to miss seeing the entire interior, the outside and the grounds were spectacular.

Enjoy the pictures. I apologize for the smudgy thing on some of the Warsaw pictures. It's really annoying. Next weekend, Zakopane - minus the smudge.

THE OLD MAN IS SNORING

It's raining, it's pouring
The old man is snoring
He bumped his head
And went to bed
And couldn't wake up in the morning


What is that song exactly? I remember singing it when I was so little and for some reason, it made me so happy. Maybe it was the lyrics taken literally. Maybe it was its illustration in a book. Maybe it was some little thing I did with my parents when it was raining and I was so young I could barely have a memory: making cookies, reading a book, playing hide n' seek in the house. Who knows. But regardless, it rains and I smile so big inside. And I wonder if this is what parents are for: to provide you with not only the tools to succeed in life, but to give you the memories and feelings to make you really appreciate life.

So here I am, loving life. There's a slight overcast (but not enough in my opinion) and an on-again, off-again drizzle. The kitchen is warm and there's a comforting fog growing on the windows. I'm cooking what might possibly be the best batch of kapusta I have ever made. I have already cooked the onions and have breathed in their intoxicating effects of bringing me back to yet another wonderful memory growing up. (What that memory is exactly, I'm not so sure but it definitely involves my mother and a warm glow above the kitchen stove.) I am reading an Elizabeth Berg book that my mother sent me (both women are magnificent) and am about to pour myself a hot cup of tea. At this point, I couldn't be more feminine, more pms-ing, or more happy in my own little world.

Unless the kitchen was at home.

FULFILLING MY HOROSCOPE

You could be overbooked and it's frustrating trying to be at your next appointment when you're not even finished with your last one. You might be tempted to just give up or delete your calendar and tasks from your computer, thinking you will do better without the external distractions. Even if you can't withdraw as much as you like, making time for yourself can help you cope with all that you must handle.

It's 4:34am and something has drastically changed in my life. At this time last year, I was working as a temp at Paychex, getting ready to change my life forever. I had taken my TEFL course and was just waiting for my first trip abroad. Now, I am about to go on my first vacation (okay, a mini-break) to the north of Poland. What is so special about this trip is that on my way home from Poland last June, I opened up the sky magazine and, unlike most people who open it, I picked out what I was going to see when I came back to Poland that following autumn. Gdansk.

So here I am, about to head out to a beautiful town, on the Baltic sea (I think...) and be alone and introspective (one of my most favorite hobbies!) and have a beer in an outside cafe and take pictures and walk and shop for gifts and buy an ice cream and walk and read and relax and take pictures and walk and see monuments and practice Polish and walk.

I can't wait.

MIP IS CREEPING

Got my pre-course assignment email from only one of my professors yesterday and I'm already having problems breathing. Half-hour presentation on some aspect of education (this really isn't much interest to me anymore) and I'm dreading it. Have to read a book, write a six page paper and read to the class for ten minutes (any topic, could even be something we ourselves have written). I recognize that this master's program is not strenuous by any means but it's weird in that we don't go to school for a year and then we take classes randomly, for two weeks, twice a year. For this, I think it sucks. I love learning and expanding my mind but sometimes, it's tiring - especially if I haven't done it in 4 months. So this break, and then being thrown back into it, isn't the best method for my learning. Yesterday, my father was asking me about whether or not I would be working if I decided to actually tackle my PhD (as I have been saying I will) and I answered that I would probably be working as a teacher's assistant. But after much thought today, I really don't know if teaching is right for me. I mean, I have awesome students that make it one of the best jobs I could imagine, but then the other classes, are just getting so unbearably boring that I don't think I can handle it. And then on top of it, I know I'm not doing my job to the best of my ability but I don't seem to want to change it - and I know that can't be a good sign. But what if I'm just lazy? What if working in the states is completely different? What if working in a college would be the perfect fit but I won't be able to ever find out? I don't know. I guess I'm just freaking slightly about the whole two week semester when I really shouldn't. It'll be two weeks and then I'm done and can come home and see my friends and my family and just relax.

VODKA FROM THE TAP AND AN AERIAL EAGLE TO BOOT

So it's been a few days. And I haven't really been in the "writing in my blog" mood but I decided to buckle down this afternoon. I really have nothing else to do anyhow.

Got to get a tour of my student's work the other day. It's a plant that manufactures faucet taps. It was pretty freaking cool actually. I totally felt like I was on the Mister Roger's show or something. They actually make the molds from compacted sand that is then put into a stove and has hot brass poured over it. Then, they somehow get the sand out of there. Totally cool.

Went to Kluczbork yesterday for a party. My student got married a few weeks ago and had a small gathering of friends to drink vodka and celebrate. It was nice. A TON of kielbasa and desserts and chocolate and cabbage. And the way they seemed to be drinking was just a shot of vodka with a chaser of some kind of juice. It seemed like every 20 minutes or so, someone would pour everyone a shot and then stand up. Everyone would stand up and sing or clink glasses and then drink. And you'd think it would slow down as the night went on but it seemed to pick up. My friend Susan was with me, and she doesn't drink, and this concept was extremely difficult for everyone to grasp. They thought she just meant that round so then every other time, they would go to pour her a shot. Or they'd ask her, "do you want a drink with some vodka or just a little vodka with some juice??" It was a little funny when she doesn't drink and those are her choices.

Also got a short Polish history lesson from one of the party patrons. Turns out there's a neighborhood in Wroclaw that's built in the shape of an eagle when you look at the aerial view. Very cool. I guess it was built by the Germans, to symbolize the German eagle, but it's more similar to the Polish eagle. (REALLY difficult to see a difference...)



This is the Polish eagle (according to google...)

and this is the German one.

Purely by chance that the Polish one is ten times bigger than the German. I swear.

THE THINGS THAT ROCK HAVE IT: 10-4

things that rocked yesterday
1. being able to snag a seat on the fart bus
2. laughing a ton over a beer with my students
3. the beautiful day that prevented me from wearing a coat
4. finally having an appointment with the neurologist and getting some medication
5. one my students asking me if i would be his teacher next year and then promising to be good if i came back.
6. my usual dinner of pierogie ruskie at wieczor stary (old night...i think)
7. the waitress actually smiling at me at wieczor stary (i believe that was the first time; i've been going there since october)
8. having my doctor's appointment finish early and getting enough time to run home for lunch
8. the medication i have no insurance for ending up being really cheap
10. having my awesome students (they're married and have been out due to just having a baby) finally come back to class

things that could've gone better
1. the stress that inevitably comes with the Friday 1:35 fart bus run
2. the feedback form from my morning business class (she wants more "discipline"...she's about 40 years old)
3. not realizing the medication i took before teaching class was a heavy-duty painkiller
4. the response from my kluczbork class when i told them about the summer program at naz

POLAND STILL GRAND

So Poland is going well, still. It's really weird for me to be missing one place but yet still enjoying another. I drive (well, okay, I have a crazy driver that loves the brake pedal) to Olesno every Thursday and bask in the fact that I can't speak to the driver. I love it. I just stare out the window and daydream. It's wonderful. I think it may be hereditary...my obsession with staring out windows and daydreaming. Thanks dad.

Been thinking about going to Prague during the May break, that is if the school still gives me Monday off. Also want to see Warsaw but everybody says it's not worth seeing. Guess it's pretty ugly.

Got a ton of new cds from my student today. I love swapping music. He's always calling me a "typical American" and laughing at my "energy". He thinks I need to exercise more so I'm not so "energetic". He loves it. But I'm trying to teach my students not to call me a typical woman or a typical American. I tell them I'm special, unique and different. They're learning.

Got a neurologist appointment tomorrow, finally. Maybe he'll do some x-rays and see if there's anything funky going on in there. That would be nice but I'm not holding my breath. Nobody in the states will even give me that much. Then again, Polish doctors are usually way more thorough, in my experience, than doctors back home.

EASTER WEEKEND

Went to Aushwitz and Birkenau yesterday. Truly an amazing experience that just seems to sit with you.

One thing I didn't realize is that Birkenau is what you see in most photos and movies; it's what you see in Schindler's List. Aushwitz is now more a museum of pictures and writings about the war, although it does have its share of nightmarish exhibits.

Above are the photos I took while there. I apologize to anyone that isn't prepared to see them; I tried to make a link but wasn't having much luck.

Reading about the war and wanting to learn more about Clandestine (the underground group of artists and writers that wanted to keep learning and educating during their incarceration) has definitely inspired me for school again. I've also been researching where I might want to teach next year, if I don't stay in New York...which I'm not sure I can now. Thinking Africa but I don't know that I'll have the money to get a ticket back to Poland to finish my masters in February, which is why I'm not doing central or south America. We'll see. I'm always changing my mind. I've also been sitting here looking at PhD programs and where I would want to study and what I would want to study. I just can't seem to narrow it down and figure out what I would want to submerge myself in for two years, and then defend to a panel. It freaks me out - until I look at pictures of current students. They look fairly normal.

WESOLYCH SWIAT, AGAIN

Wesolych Swiat...again! Since the same phrase is used for both Christmas and Easter, I'm lucky in that I already learned this one.

Today I spent the day relaxing once again. It's been wonderful. I first went to the library to bring back the rest of my books and see if I could renew one of them. But the woman at the counter only spoke Polish or French but somehow, by merely pointing to the bookmark in my book, I was able to communicate my desire to renew it. Yes - mission one accomplished.

After that, I headed to the Easter market to shop a bit. Ended up finding a great necklace and the scarf that I've seen everyone and their mother wearing here but had yet to find till today. Then a cheap bracelet and a family member gift. Then I went to buy the perfume that I want at the drug store, only to find out that it's 185 zloty; a little too steep for me. So I traveled to the next drug store and found a cheap perfume for 7 zloty that I solely bought based on it's name - Anais Nin, my favorite writer. Although I'm sure she'd turn in her grave for me buying a perfume based solely on her name, what's a girl to do...I needed something new.

FLIP FLOPPIN' MORNING

I woke up this morning with my bedroom light on. Extremely weird. So I'm wondering how I went to bed without turning it off; I was reading. I proceed to look down next to my bed and there's my book. So I flip through it and find that there's no bookmark in it; it's still next to my head. It seems that last night, I was so exhausted that I completely fell asleep in the middle of reading - so much so that I dropped my book and didn't even hear it - and then slept through the entire night without realizing my light was on.

On top of all that, I went to check my phone for the time. There was a message from Peter. So I wrote back and then went to the bathroom. Of course, he called. So I couldn't call back and I texted him asking if it was him. He wrote back yes and asked if he could try again. I texted, or went to text back, but alas, no minutes left on my phone.

Now one of the things we, as native speakers, have noticed of the Polish culture, is that you don't go out of the house without looking presentable. Unless you're a drunk, homeless or an English-speaker, you don't even think about leaving the house in anything resembling pajamas or a sweatsuit. So I had to suck it up, throw on some dirty jeans, my flip flops and a pair of sunglasses and head to the shop below my flat. Of course the girl with no patience for non-Polish speakers is working so I put my half-awake, already bad Polish to the test and ask for what I need.

What a morning.

I'm still sore from all the bowling I did on Tuesday night. I went to my class on Wednesday morning (they're the same guys that I went bowling with on Tuesday) and told them how sore I was. They claim they're not sore at all - I told them it was because they lost.

To boot with the fabulous night of bowling, I got a ride home from my student on his motorcycle. Now granted, it was slightly illegal with him not wearing a helmet and all but we made it back to my flat, safe and without a ticket, and it was great. I'm sorry I didn't ride my father's motorcycle when he had it but for some reason, it didn't really interest me then.

Easter is finally sorted. Peter is coming in on Saturday and I'm planning on sitting around and renting a movie (English movie - Polish subtitles). Then church on Sunday morning and I'm making dinner for everyone (okay, well 3 people...including me) on Sunday. Then it's off to Zakopane for the day and then Krakow that night. Then, shopping and Aushwitz on wet Monday and home that night.

IS THAT A FUN HOLIDAY IN MY BUNNY'S BASKET?

I just noticed my profile picture makes me look like I'm wearing a neck brace. But at least a cool one. But I don't really care. This week is a glorious week. The class that I wasn't keen on teaching is over, I only have four more classes: one that we'll either watch a movie or just talk, another "make up" class from when I was sick (we're going bowling tonight), the same class tomorrow (we'll probably talk about bowling and then do a game I had planned), and then my teenagers tomorrow night. After that, the flat is all mine (Maja is going to Germany) and I can relax for two days before I head to Krakow on Saturday. The plan goes as follows: call my girl Heather on Wednesday or Thursday (it sounds simple but it's a treat), read and sit on the internet until Saturday, and then head out on the train to Krakow early Saturday morning. From there, I will shop for gifts for friends, family and me until 2:00 when my friend Peter gets out of work. From there, we'll head to Aushwitz (he's never been either). After that, we'll head to Opole where we'll spend the night and go to church Easter morning. Following that, I'll attempt an Easter dinner with the last ham that my dziadziu sent me a few months ago. Once we're finished, we'll hop in the car and head to the mountains where (hopefully!) we'll drink vodka with the mountain people and sing mountain people songs!

Also, I'm gonna try and celebrate wet Monday that day. I'm so filling up water bags and throwing them at the teenagers that hang out and smoke under the balcony of my flat. What an excellent tradition!

In addition to all this excitement, I went ahead and added to it by booking my flight home! I'm leaving from Warsaw on June 30th and will be home that Saturday night. I miss everyone tremendously and can't wait to see you all!

BIFFING AND HOOLIGANS

My Tuesday morning class suffers from my perpetual lateness. It seems that I just can't get to that class on time. I have no idea. So yesterday, I'm on my way up to the room, and I realize I forgot my tape player. So I run back downstairs, grab the tape player and start to haul ass back up. Well, I had the tape player and my water and the register in my hand and what do I do?...biff it. I totally trip on the stairs and the tape player makes this huge echo of plastic machinery against tiled stairs. Luckily, there was nobody in the area but I knew my one student was already up in the room (he, unlike me, is always on time) and would know that I knew that I was late and thus this was why I was rushing to get there on time. Totally embarrassing.

So then today, I'm walking over the bridge and I take out my cell to see if I got a message back from my friend and what do I do this time?...I drop it. I am crossing the bridge over a river and I drop my phone. I seriously watch it fall in slow motion over the side of the bridge. I let out a totally-English, "Oh shit" and watch it go. Luckily, I was to the point on the bridge where there's an embankment below and so thankfully, I see my phone hit and I am able to walk down and retrieve it. But as I'm going down, I see these two boys watching from above. (Now, a few times in Poland I have had the pleasure of a run-in with what they call "hooligans." And in only a few weeks, Poland will celebrate what they refer to as "Wet Monday"; an event where anybody walking the street can be hit with a bucket of water, a squirt gun...things of that nature. So as I walk down the stairs to the bank of the river, I can picture hooligans spitting on me or throwing stuff.) But alas, I survived, untouched and with my phone. But honestly, am I really this clumsy?

ONE HEAD-SHAVING WITH A SIDE OF CABBAGE PLEASE

What do I have to get at the hairdresser to not be charged an arm and a leg?

Seriously, the woman there is really nice but I think she thinks I'm loaded. This is the second time I went there and it was 50 freaking zloty (that's how much I charge for an hour private lesson) for an intensive hair mask and a blow dry. (I can't tell her that I don't need her to blow dry my hair! Besides, I think it's really weird to walk out without getting your hair "done"; I saw a guy put product in a five year old's hair today. For real.) On top of that, I'm not able to dye my hair back to its original color (I have successfully killed my hair) so I'm stuck with red hair and roots. Sucks. I never learn! So I'm thinking of shaving my head again, or going really, really short. And then seriously - no more all-over dying when it's grown out. I've had it.

Lately, in addition to my craving for normal hair, I've been craving my low-carb tuna pita with alfalfa and cucumbers. I can't wait. But then when I actually sit and think about it, getting the luxuries from home only means that I don't get the Polish food anymore. There's definitely some tastes that I've acquired since I've gotten here and I'm nervous I won't be able to duplicate them in the states. No more golambki, no more weird vegetarian pita from the train station that gives me horrible garlic breath and gas for three hours, no more vast variety of nalesnikis to choose from. What's a girl to do?

LUBIE CZEKOLADA

Lately, again, I'm getting that overwhelming feeling that everything is amazing. Life is gorgeous, a blessing. The rain is a drizzle that catches me without my umbrella, there's a never-ending overcast that hangs over Opole, my classes really piss me off sometimes, I have a chill that I can't seem to get out of my bones, and I live on peas and corn but for some reason, I feel so alive.

Is it Polska?
Eh....not so sure about that.
Is it freedom from anything binding or boring that I may have known in my "past" life?
Er....maybe.
Is it the recent recognition of philosophical and sociological predictions backed by human relations forming patterns before my eyes?
Possibly....but I'm not so sure I know what I just said.
Is it the Excedrin migraine pills mixed with coffee that I took at 6:30 this morning?
Ummmm....more than likely.

Okay, so that may attribute to this morning's ecstasy but in all honesty, there are times I feel like I just can't not smile. Sometimes I feel like my heart is literally going to crack open from so much, I don't even know what the hell's in there. What's wrong with me?!

I guess maybe I have this newfound appreciation for everything and it amazes me what little things can do; a new friend to travel with, hearing from someone I haven't heard from in years, a guilt-free indulgence in chocolate, an "I miss you" from a friend - but all seeming to be things that can attribute to me waking up randomly at 2:30 in the morning and just smiling.