AVOIDING AMBER

Warning (to those who love me): The following entry is a bit depressing. If you think this will change how you perceive me, and you’re not really down with that, don’t bother reading any further.

Warning (to those about to read this who don’t really know me): I am extremely grateful for the opportunities that I have been given; I recognize that living and teaching abroad are great things that not everyone is able to take advantage of. I realize that I am blessed to be doing these things but chose to write this blog as a way for people to read all that goes into living and teaching abroad, not just the “ fun, cultural stuff”. So, with that, please read the following entry with some empathy and understanding.

It seems I can’t really do anything right now. It’s about 8:30 am and I have successfully slept for nearly 12 hours; something I definitely needed but feel I did a bit more of because I didn’t want to face anything when I woke up. I can go shopping today, unpack my clothes, and prepare for my lessons – all valid things but all things that make me feel that staying here is that much more final. I’m finding my decision to come here more and more stupid as the hours go on and need to find some kind of outlet before I hop the next train to Krakow and find my way to Balice airport. (Of course I would have to wait until I had Internet access to find a flight home and that won’t be until the first day of class is over…so I guess the school was pretty smart with that one.) My television has about 5 channels, which is fine as I can sometimes get pretty sick of Polish - watching it becomes work with me trying to understand what the heck they’re talking about. At least there’s a cartoon on now. Without Internet, I can’t watch anything from home. I have some cds but listening to music depresses me more sometimes. The frustrating thing is that I’m strong, I know I’m strong, and I can do this again but I’m just terrified that I’m going to be miserable the whole time and screw something amazing up at home to boot. And on top of it, everyone at home is all for me going back; nobody believes it’s necessary for me to stay here (which sometimes makes me that much more determined, but not so much this time). I know in my heart that if I decided to come home I don’t think anyone, whose opinion that I care about, would object or judge me. It’s not the emotional stress and overtiredness of yesterday; I’m beginning to feel like I’m that girl from Big Brother who couldn’t stop crying the entire season.

Things I have to do soon to avoid being Amber:

- visit friends from Opole; that will make me feel ten times better. If I can make it out to see them, I will remember what my students were like last year when I gave them a chance to open up on a social level and I’ll be more apt to do that in Debica, thus hopefully making my life a little more bearable for the few months I’m here.

- visit my great aunt Leska; seeing her will remind me that I’m here to learn more about my family, my grandmother, my background, my mother’s upbringing and hopefully, more Polish. I took this job in this town so that I could be closer to her and now, I have to remember to take full advantage of that.

- visit friends that I met over the summer at Nazareth; if I can venture outside of Poland, I might do a little better. Of course, I don’t really have the funds right now but my sanity is worth more at this point

- shop; I know it sounds ridiculous but sometimes shopping for myself, or family and friends, makes me remember that I’m going home and I’m not here forever. I love Poland and its backwards ways can sometimes have an effect on me that feels like home (my kitchen sink is just like my dziadziu’s) but right now, it feels like the farthest place from it. Home is where Jon and my family are and that’s a million miles from here.

The cartoon has turned out to be a Jesus cartoon, of course, and he’s busy healing lepers and speaking Polish. Love it. (It actually reminded me to check church times for tomorrow morning – at least I know one person in this town.) But I think it’s about time for me to force myself to shower and spend some money in hopes of changing my attitude.

Isn’t that called an addiction?