WACKY WEDNESDAY

Today was (surprisingly) fairly productive. I went to my morning one on one class and we spent the hour and a half talking about family and showing pictures to one another. That was nice. I was beat from staying up late so when Christine called me to say she had a migraine and couldn't meet me to go to Raj (the shopping center we have yet to go to), I was somewhat relieved. Being sick has really done a number on me too. So, I took the opportunity to take a 4 hour nap. I woke up and had the rest of my homemade chicken soup and caught up on emails. I called the temp agency back home. Ironically, the only thing they have at the moment is in Risk Management (my old department) at Paychex. Of course. Well, they said they'll keep their eye out and I'll just have to stalk them for something when I get home. I have been writing a lot lately and am thinking that I might want to start working on something that might actually have the possibility of getting published in the future. I'm not sure if I could do an actual novel, as I'd like to, but maybe a short essay or short story for a literary magazine. I'd be super psyched to be published anywhere right about now.

So, after relaxing and fiddling on the computer, I decided to force myself out into the world of Polish speakers and go shopping for pants at Carrefour Galleria (near my house). But when I finally ventured outside, the cold air hit me and I felt a much-needed surge of energy. So, I decided I was going to try and take the bus to Raj on my own. I bought a ticket and somehow, I made it there fairly easy.

I shopped like a mad woman. I wanted to buy a nice tie for Jon but realized quickly that I have NO idea what a good tie looks like. I wanted to find something different but was afraid I might accidentally buy something clown-like and he's got such a good heart, I know he'd still wear it. I couldn't do that to him. So I bought something else instead but know he'll like it. I also got a little something for his niece and nephew for Christmas. Then, it was all me. (My family got stuff last year.) I bought a pair of (totally unnecessary) biker chick boots like my friend Viv was sportin' last year. I love them. And I bought the pair of dress pants I wanted to get for tomorrow. Well, now that I put it down in writing, I guess that's not too much but for some reason, I felt like I couldn't stop spending money. (Probably because I stopped at the Zakopane kiosk three times before I actually got the gifts I was thinking about. That poor girl was having to get up every time I came around looking.) Oh! And so odd. I used my credit card to buy the dress pants and when I showed it to the girl (she knew from before that I didn't speak Polish), she smiled and was trying to tell me that I had to go down to some other store to use it. Weird...I had to take a little piece of paper with the name of the store and the amount and bring it down to some children's clothing store a few doors down, take the receipt and then return to the original store to claim my pants. That was definitely something new to me.

On my way "home", I decided to boycott the bus and walk. It was only twenty minutes or so but it felt great. I haven't had a good long walk by myself in a while and I think I sorta missed it. I stopped in a church on the way back but it was too busy and I felt weird with all my shopping bags. I figured I went to Mass on Sunday and will go again tomorrow; I can wait. (I don't know what is with my recent obsession with attending church...)

As it stands for this weekend, I'm off to Rzeszow tomorrow to celebrate All Saint's Day with my family. I bought candles for my great grandmother's grave and another for my great aunt's husband's. On Friday, the plan is that Christine is going to meet me in Rzeszow and we're going to head off to the Ukraine to meet up with one of the participants of the summer program last July. She's a sweetheart and I'm very excited to have her show me her country. I do hope that works out.

So above is a picture of my candle purchases. The two on the left are for my great grandmother and the one on the right is for my great uncle.

AN IMPENDING HOLIDAY

I know it's been quite some time since I last wrote but I hope you can all understand that once I decided to come home, writing in this blog felt kinda weird.

I bought my ticket and it's set - I'll be home November 10th. I'm leaving the school a week earlier than I had wanted to but figure that three weeks is a long time for someone who isn't happy. They'll be okay.

Tomorrow I have to shop for some nice pants or a skirt for All Saint's Day. I'm to head over to Leska's for church and dinner and then at some point, we're going to visit all the important places in my mom's childhood. I am SO very excited for that. I have both my digital and regular camera and hope to get a ton of beautiful pictures, especially of the lit cemetery on Thursday night. It's sad we don't have anything like that in the states.

So luckily, I have no classes on Thursday or Friday, which is great because I teach 6 hours (straight) on Thursday and 8 hours on Friday. After this holiday, I only have one more week.

HOMEWARD BOUND

I am coming home.

For two long weeks, I have tried to find the best in being here. I have been as optimistic as one could be and have struggled to find the reason that I am here. After two weeks, I realize there is none. On the way to class this morning, I decided I was done. I didn't talk about it with anybody - not Jon, not Christine, not my parents or even my girlfriends - nobody. I needed to know that this was completely my choice and that it was what was in my heart.

Telling the school was bad - as I knew it would be. I marched right over there from my business class and asked to speak with my director of studies. I told her I had to return to the states and that I couldn't adequately express how sorry I was for this news. Her mouth stayed open for a good 15 seconds and she didn't say a word. Then, she took me down to the director's office.

There, they pressed me for information leading to my decision. Why wasn't I happy now? What changed? Why such a quick decision? Was there anything that might change my mind? I told them that it had nothing to do with Poland and everything to do with home. I don't enjoy teaching and feel that my students aren't getting the kind of teacher that they deserve. I tried to venture out and find fun things to distract myself but decided that there was no reason that I needed to stay here, other than for the school - but I can't do something for someone else at the expense of my happiness.

So, it will probably be a month or so before I'm actually home but at least now they are aware that the teacher they have in those classes is not the one they should have. I'm sending out some emails to colleagues in hopes that someone may want to take my position here within a few weeks. Keep your fingers crossed that someone is wanting something in the next few weeks and I can be on the plane sooner rather than later.

FAMILY, BEETS, AND KARAOKE

Whew! I apologize for not writing but Jon and I have been taking advantage of free conversations on Skype. I am so glad he's finally back from Maui and we can talk at somewhat more convenient times.

So, as you already know, I went to Rzeszow this past week and finally met my Aunt Leska. It was awesome. She greeted me with a hug and a kiss and I immediately felt that she was family. When we got to her house, she made me a big bowl of borscht and then about 12 pierogies. Not wanting to be rude, I somehow finished it all.

We then headed upstairs where she showed me the room that Jon and I could stay in when he visits (one of the first questions I was asked was, "Masc chopa?" which means, "Do you have a boyfriend?") and then we sat down for cakes and pictures. We had a great time attempting to communicate and I was pleasantly surprised at my ability to understand and speak with her (as limited as it was). She showed me a million pictures of her immediate family and their children, and even some of mine that my grandfather must have sent her.

After that, my (fourth?) cousin came over and we hung out and watched TV for a while. She would try to explain what was going on and I would try and understand. I then remembered my camera and had David (my cousin) take a picture of her and I. She got so excited as we pushed in for the picture that she grabbed my cheek and said to me, "Oh, moja Ilonka!" ("my Ilona!")

She told me that I could come over whenever I wanted and that all I had to do was call her and then take a taxi or the bus. I told her that I would definitely be back for All Saint's Day but that I might come earlier with a friend to go shopping and that if that was the case, I would call her and let her know. She smiled big and asked me if it would be with "twoj chopa" (your boyfriend) as it seems she's very excited to meet him. I told her again, that he wouldn't be coming until February but that we would definitely see her. I can't wait.

So yesterday, instead of hiking (it snowed here!), Christine (my friend from school that I am SO lucky to have met) and I headed to Rzeszow. We were both greeted with hugs and kisses from Leska (I even got another later with an exclaimed, "Oh Ilonka - Kocham cie!" - "Oh, Ilona, I love you!") and a bowl of homemade chicken soup (and when I say homemade, I mean she killed one of her chickens and made this soup). Then she stuffed us with chicken cutlets, potatoes and beets and continually yelled at Christine to eat. It was great. We spent a lot of time with my (frightened by the strange speaking people) 3 year old cousin, Adrian, who was fascinated by Leska's cat. It took him a while but he finally warmed up to us and by the end of the visit, was able to (after being coaxed to do it) give me and Christine a kiss on the cheek (although it was followed by him quickly wiping his mouth off).

At around 2:30, we headed out with David to do some shopping at the local shopping center. He patiently waited as Christine and I spent some money and by 5:00, we were done. We headed to a fabulous local pub and decided to get some drinks. We had beers, talked and then around 9:00, headed to the karoake bar down the street.

A glass of wine and a few beers later, I was somehow coerced by Christine into singing my first karoake song ever - Bon Jovi's "Shot Through the Heart." At first, I think I may have been into it but by the time the part where he just repeats, "a bad name" about 5 million times, I had time to realize what I was doing and I wanted out. I begged Christine, not caring that I was talking into a microphone, to let me sit back down and just watch. She refused. We struggled through the later-agreed-upon horrible karaoke song choice and were finally able to relieve everyone by returning to our seats.

But I'm glad she made me do it.

So now, Christine is on her way over to join me in nursing a barely-there hangover with Leska's homemade golambki, a big container of ice cream and Grey's Anatomy.

CZESTKO I KWIATY

Heading out in a few minutes to buy a cake and flowers for my great aunt. I'm so excited to meet her - I tell everyone about it, as though they care.

My back has been killing me for the past few days. For a few nights in there, I couldn't even sleep. I went to the apteka and got myself a ben-gay type cream and some aspirin with codeine (yep, over the counter). It helped a bit but not enough. I talked to my one on one student today and he suggested going to a masseuse - says he has a colleague that has a spa and I can go for 30 zl an hour (ummmmm....with the conversion, that's about $10 an hour - fabulous). I'm hoping to get in on Monday afternoon. I've never actually had a massage before; I just hope it helps. (Well, the least it'll do is relieve some stress.)

I'm also going hiking this weekend with my new "native speaking" friend from school (another teacher). We're hoping to just truck around the outskirts of town and maybe find this spot where you can see all of Debica (I'm thinking that it might be a bench in the city center - this town's fairly small). Anyhow, we've made a bunch of plans for the weekends to help keep us busy. I'm most looking forward to shopping trips so I can buy fun stuff for people back home. I know, so touristy.

MY CRIB

Finally - Internet! How good it feels to be connected to the outside world again. Less than 3 hours of access and I've successfully hooked up my Skype again, sent out a few emails that I've been meaning to send out, updated my blog, and just read English like it was my job (well, I guess it sorta is).

Here are some promised pics.

WELL, I’M FINALLY “POLISH” AGAIN

Well, it happened today…and I’m still accepting it. Yes, today I bought my winter boots and yes, they’ve got a hint of leopard print.

There, I said it.

But I’m figuring they’re fine because until it’s been a few months and I’ve completely lost touch with reality, they’ll be under my jeans (rather than in true Polish fashion – over the jeans or with a skirt). The thing is - I don’t have a full-length mirror so doing anything but the norm is really risky, especially with leopard print.

Other fun things from today

• shopping for special stuff for special people back home
• more groceries
• a surprise call from an exhausted but loving Janek
• pizza at the local joint (which wasn’t bad and even had a polite teenager who could understand enough English that I didn’t get ketchup on my pizza and was able to take “home” leftovers in a box).
• my very first broken English/broken Polish conversation with my great aunt Leska (whom until this morning I had never spoken with) resulting in an (I think) agreement that I would call Monday to tell her what time my train would be coming in to see her on Wednesday (can you believe I’m finally going to meet her??) And oddly enough, I had a dream last night about my grandmother (her sister) and took it as a good sign. I really hope I can visit there often.
• a definite date and time when I will finally get Internet in my flat (next Tuesday at 1:00pm, Polish time).
• found out that my friend in Opole is going to some kind of church pilgrimage thing on Sunday with her family and she’s invited me to join them. There’s an afternoon Mass and then they have traditional Polish pea soup. I’m in.

Oh yea, and I almost forgot about my classes. I was really nervous about my proficiency class last night but they turned out to be my best age group (16-18) for the most part so that’s good. I just hope we can trudge through the textbook and I can be “demanding enough” for them (it seems my school is known for being demanding…unlike me). The good thing is also that I’m starting to wonder if maybe high school teaching wouldn’t be a good fit for me. I’ve got a few more months to feel it out (Heather was right last year – the classes I loved in the beginning ended up being my worst by the end). My other class last night was five married women who seemed really eager to learn and were concentrating quite well on the textbook. Tomorrow I have three back-to-back night classes but I think two of them have the same textbook so I should only have to plan one lesson (let’s hope because it’s nearly 9:00 pm, I haven’t done anything yet, and I just remembered that I have two morning classes and two night classes on Friday).

So, this weekend seems to be as follows (if I don’t leave Friday night):

Saturday

9am-leave Debica (by train)
2pm-arrive in Opole (yea…kind of a long trip)
2-3pm-shop at the thrift shops in Opole as somehow, I brought NO clothes
3pm-meet Dorota for a late lunch
5pm-ish-meet Elwira, Sylwia, Marta and probably Gosia and Jerry for drinks
late night-crash at my girl Marta’s place and talk girl talk

Sunday

8:30am-leave with Roma and her family for High Mass
2pm-ish-leave for Debica

Oh, and another bonus – so far all my students from last year have passed their exams!

DON'T EAT THE RED KIND

I thought that kapusta meant sauerkraut but I think it means cabbage. I bought the red kind, thinking it was just the color, until I smelled it. Turns out it's pickled cabbage vs. soured. Gross.

DEBICA = KLUCZBORK (I THINK)

I am so freaking happy right now that I want to scream (in fact, I think I did a little). I don’t want to speak too soon (even though I am) but I think that Debica is Kluczbork!

Okay, explanation:

Before I left home, I was telling Jon about how Debica could go one of two ways; one, it could be a small town where everyone is poor and so those that can afford to take classes are extremely demanding (as they should be but that’s still intimidating) or (and this is how I’m beginning to think it is) the town is small (like Kluczbork was last year) and is just brimming with people that are so happy and grateful for a native speaking English teacher that they’re eager to talk and not so difficult to deal with.

Okay, more of an explanation as to why I’m beginning to think this:

It’s 8:00 on a Sunday night. I’ve been here for two days now and my director of studies just called my cell phone to see how I’m doing. She asked if I got a chance to see the town and if I was ready to begin tomorrow. I’m in shock. I am honestly so happy to be lucky enough to work for a school that cares (or at least seems to care) so much about its teachers. This is like night and day with ILS. At this rate, I’m hoping I can maybe get one of my colleagues to come teach the spring semester here so I can head out early in mid-February.

SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE

So it took me a while but I finally got myself out of the flat, which did me a world of good. I went to the nearby galleria and bought myself some much needed supplies to tackle the next 6 months. This included a headset and webcam (creepy but it was actually cheaper to buy the combined set than the headset alone), a new hairdryer, a very chic winter coat, kapusta (why can’t I find the green kind??), a can of beer (yes, they sell it by the can), pierogies, a frying pan flipper, bath stuff, hangers, more food, and plastic wire so I can hang my clothes outside. I got home, tied on a bandanna, unpacked all my new supplies, and then attempted to tie up the line for my clothesline, nearly falling out my kitchen window and killing myself. I didn’t realize that the little window on the side opened as well and made it much easier to tie up the other side’s line. Decided I was over that before finishing it (I hadn’t really eaten yet today) and took a break for lunch. Tried some new stuff that the school had bought for me (a yogurt spread – just think dip without the flavoring) which actually wasn’t half bad. Gonna read a bit, maybe plan a lesson or two for Monday and then take a nap. I’m supposed to hear from my friend Marta about heading to Opole this weekend. I really need to see some familiar faces and I think going to my old town will do a lot of good as well. I’m also looking to move my Wednesday class to Tuesday and having that day free to do whatever I want; which should work out well. Last year, when I had a free morning, it was nice to be able to stay up late the night before and talk to people that I couldn’t normally talk to because of the time difference. And with Rzeszow only about 45 minutes away by train, I’m thinking it will be good to visit my great aunt for dinner once in a while, or head to the mountains for a hike (if it’s not absolutely freezing).

Oh, and I just realized I don’t have a stove.

AVOIDING AMBER

Warning (to those who love me): The following entry is a bit depressing. If you think this will change how you perceive me, and you’re not really down with that, don’t bother reading any further.

Warning (to those about to read this who don’t really know me): I am extremely grateful for the opportunities that I have been given; I recognize that living and teaching abroad are great things that not everyone is able to take advantage of. I realize that I am blessed to be doing these things but chose to write this blog as a way for people to read all that goes into living and teaching abroad, not just the “ fun, cultural stuff”. So, with that, please read the following entry with some empathy and understanding.

It seems I can’t really do anything right now. It’s about 8:30 am and I have successfully slept for nearly 12 hours; something I definitely needed but feel I did a bit more of because I didn’t want to face anything when I woke up. I can go shopping today, unpack my clothes, and prepare for my lessons – all valid things but all things that make me feel that staying here is that much more final. I’m finding my decision to come here more and more stupid as the hours go on and need to find some kind of outlet before I hop the next train to Krakow and find my way to Balice airport. (Of course I would have to wait until I had Internet access to find a flight home and that won’t be until the first day of class is over…so I guess the school was pretty smart with that one.) My television has about 5 channels, which is fine as I can sometimes get pretty sick of Polish - watching it becomes work with me trying to understand what the heck they’re talking about. At least there’s a cartoon on now. Without Internet, I can’t watch anything from home. I have some cds but listening to music depresses me more sometimes. The frustrating thing is that I’m strong, I know I’m strong, and I can do this again but I’m just terrified that I’m going to be miserable the whole time and screw something amazing up at home to boot. And on top of it, everyone at home is all for me going back; nobody believes it’s necessary for me to stay here (which sometimes makes me that much more determined, but not so much this time). I know in my heart that if I decided to come home I don’t think anyone, whose opinion that I care about, would object or judge me. It’s not the emotional stress and overtiredness of yesterday; I’m beginning to feel like I’m that girl from Big Brother who couldn’t stop crying the entire season.

Things I have to do soon to avoid being Amber:

- visit friends from Opole; that will make me feel ten times better. If I can make it out to see them, I will remember what my students were like last year when I gave them a chance to open up on a social level and I’ll be more apt to do that in Debica, thus hopefully making my life a little more bearable for the few months I’m here.

- visit my great aunt Leska; seeing her will remind me that I’m here to learn more about my family, my grandmother, my background, my mother’s upbringing and hopefully, more Polish. I took this job in this town so that I could be closer to her and now, I have to remember to take full advantage of that.

- visit friends that I met over the summer at Nazareth; if I can venture outside of Poland, I might do a little better. Of course, I don’t really have the funds right now but my sanity is worth more at this point

- shop; I know it sounds ridiculous but sometimes shopping for myself, or family and friends, makes me remember that I’m going home and I’m not here forever. I love Poland and its backwards ways can sometimes have an effect on me that feels like home (my kitchen sink is just like my dziadziu’s) but right now, it feels like the farthest place from it. Home is where Jon and my family are and that’s a million miles from here.

The cartoon has turned out to be a Jesus cartoon, of course, and he’s busy healing lepers and speaking Polish. Love it. (It actually reminded me to check church times for tomorrow morning – at least I know one person in this town.) But I think it’s about time for me to force myself to shower and spend some money in hopes of changing my attitude.

Isn’t that called an addiction?

ME + DEBICA = EH, WE’LL SEE…

Well, I’m back – back in Poland that is. Debica isn’t much like Opole. Opole was a big(ger) city with a definite city center. Debica’s city center would be hard to spot if it wasn’t pointed out to you but nonetheless, I think this quaint little town is gonna grow on me. It’s small but it’s cute. There are tons of flowers, even at this point in the year, and a lot of colorful little shops (my favorite, even if they don’t have anything in them that I would ever want).

I have moved everything in but my clothes (why is that always the last thing I do??) and feel pretty good about the flat. It’s a fairly decent sized living area which I’ve managed to manipulate into a sorta-kinda bedroom with a little living chair facing the TV – ya know, to really separate the two quarters. The shower is tiny but nothing I haven’t faced before (although never for more than two weeks). I just washed my dishes and found that I don’t actually have a counter (the mini-fridge top was cleverly disguised as one by the food that was on it when I came in). And although I don’t have a counter, and I have to bend at the knees to pick up the soap in the shower (it’s the size of a phone booth – which I might add, still exists in Debica), I feel okay. Like I said, there was food on the fridge (and in it!) when I got here – it really seems that the school wants me to feel comfortable, which is great. The secretary even asked if I needed money to buy some things at the store. What a change from last year.

On a more personal note, something I’m not usually so willing to share on this site, Janek just called. I don’t know how but somehow I was able to not cry when I first heard him. I’m never this emotional. I had to hold back when I first met my new director of studies too; just the sheer emotional stress of the day and just, well, everything, is making me into a blubbering (albeit I’m trying to hold it in) idiot. So now, I’m doing everything I can to avoid going to bed as I know I’m going to just stare at the wall and wonder why the hell I left. I’m a strong woman, yes, but I just hope I don’t end up being a stupid one.

LEAVING ON A JET PLANE...AGAIN

Well, it’s official – I’m leaving. The Jet Blue flight didn’t seem as final as this one to Dublin will be. I’m sitting in the airport, pursing my lips and clenching my teeth so I don’t cry (even though I know how good it would feel). I think I might have to make my way into a stall now that I don’t have as many bags.) I hope I’m not crazy (bad crazy) for doing this. I forgot how impolite Polish people are sometimes but remembered it when I was sitting here in the airport, having New Yorkers do rude stuff without even realizing it. Guess it reminded me.

So here I am, typing on my computer (I forgot my journal at home) to avoid the thoughts in my head. It’s gonna be really difficult at first but I’m hoping that my quest for gifts for loved ones (and myself) will help pass the time when I’m not freaking out about teaching again.

JUST THE FACTS, MA'AM

Fact - I have not yet received my Visa and my flight is scheduled for this Thursday morning.
Feeling - I am slightly panicked about this.

Fact - I may choose not to go to Poland this fall if I don't receive my Visa in time.
Feeling - I think my karma will rot if I don't show up in Debica in the next few weeks.

Fact - I just received an email from a colleague who is not technically a native English speaker but is looking for a job in Polska.
Feeling - I am wondering if aforementioned karma could be slightly more positive if I refered my friend to my job, if I don't go.

Fact - I am afraid that if I don't go, I will regret it.
Feeling - I am afraid that if I do go, I will regret it.

Fact - I am an extremely lucky girl for a lot of different reasons.
Feeling - I am afraid I might be pushing my luck.